my baby girl | daisypie's Blog

so I havent been on here in a long time. Its hard finding the effort to type all of the things going on and vent my frustrations, but my probation officer has been recently encouraging me to start writing my diary again. But why write when I can type? I see this blog like my diary, and enjoy sharing my personal life for others to see.
I have always been concious of my open-ness, wearing my heart on my sleeve and exposing my issues on the internet for the world to see. My family get concerned at how open my facebook statuses are, and say I am opening myself up to criticism and judgement (which I take hard). Although it isnt the best idea at times and I would like to be more reserved, this is simply the way I am. I reveal all about me and my struggles and how I feel, because I like people to know what i'm going through. Im not one of those people who put on a mask and smile when i'm dying inside. Im open, for everyone to see and hear. Maybe too much, but it is just the way I am. I have such blatant honesty. And to be fair I dont think people are flocking round to read this random young girls blog...i'm lucky if any of you read this but I really dont mind. As long as I vent. Its good for me, and for anyone.
Anyway, my daughter, Thea, is now 2 month old and a big baby, weighing 12 pound 9. She is still in foster care, and I am slowly fragmenting. I still feel like I am falling apart. We are trying so hard. But the only way I can explain it is it is like pedalling a bike without the chain on, pedalling on one spot.
So i'm getting worse. I'm abusive to my boyfriend of 3 years every single day. I cant live under the same roof as him, its just little things...but then i'll lose it, lose it because of everything not just him, but it all goes on him. All of my anger at Thea being in care, the way the social workers treat us, my mental health and emotions, everything just spills out onto him. I beat him, insult him...and its breaking both of us. So some time ago now I said
"Lew, I know one day youre going to leave me. Its inevitable." and no matter how much he denied this, I just knew. Everyone has a toleration point. He tolerates so much, there has to be a day where he will snap, attack me back or/and leave me. And over the months I have been preparing myself., as my anger has got more and more out of control. So today was the day. Last night, he got me food from the takeaway and forgot garlic sauce. So there I was, spitting obscenities and put-downs in his face, saying how fucking useless he was and how I wanted to smash him in the face....and he turned round and shoved me. I fell backwards over the seatee, and he was shouting
so I jumped up in blind rage, and the next things were a blur. 
Then he was gone, and I had cuts on my hands and realised I had smashed a glass photo frame, a photo of my little girl and had used it as a weapon. I wailed like an animal and sank to my knees, feeling physically sick at the thought that i'd used a picture of our beautiful daughter to attack him with. I drank the rest of our bottle of cider (yes, we were drinking, and thats slowly going back to how it was again, drinking more often. And its just going to fuck things up more) and went to bed., and wondered how the hell I was going to cope the next day.
I got up this morning, hungover, brushed my teeth and knew Lew would not miss contact with his daughter, so he would come back. So I anticipated his arrival...until at quarter past 9 (contact with Thea is at half past 9 to half 12) I got a phone call off the bitch herself, our social worker Laura, telling me that Thea was ill and contact was cancelled because she had to be taken to the doctors. WHAT.
I argued, saying I had to see if she was okay and you cant just expect me to accept that shes ill and cant hold her and comfort her? But it was cancelled. I again, just broke down with the dissapointing news and the fact that I have no control over my own daughters life and feel like giving up.
Then my new care co-ordinator arrives, part of the mental health team im working with, who I had an appointment with. She had been on the sick for 5 months, when I was meant to be seeing her, slowing the progress that should have been made to get my daughter back in my care. One of my goals was to engage n mental health services, when theyre just as incompetent and shite as social services themselves, and are late constantly and I only get appointments once every couple of month for them to tell me what I already know about my BPD.
I just said to her "im sorry, this is the first time i'm meeting you, everything has gone to shit in the past night and morning, and my past two care workers were obnoxious and shit and I hated them. So im hoping to God its not like that with you".
I can't judge her yet as I have only just met her once, today. But she agreed with Social services already about their decision to cancel contact, that its sensible they dont take her out in the cold. Yeah because it will get worse if shes exposed to like a few seconds of fresh air whilst wrapped in a coat and blanket before getting into a heated car and transported to ours? Arseholes.
Then finally Lew arrived, and I told him contact had been cancelled. He had a face like stone. He'd emotionally numbed himself again, which he does when things get hard. He is the opposite to me, and deals with his problems keeping them locked away in his mind, and on the outside he just turns into a robot, not speaking, laughing or anything. Whereas when i'm depressed I wail and weep and smash things!
So anyway. He arrives, and tells me he is leaving. So that's the next great news I have recieved today. 
So at the end of it all I asked sarah to give me a lift to my mams, and she gave me a hug and said she has had days where everything goes shit at once too.
When everything does go to shit, I find myself going numb. Its weird, when I have time to relax and sit down, I think of all the horrible things in the past, the people who hate me and injustice of everything in the present, and how bleak my future is. Those negative thoughts express themselves as anger, and I tell Lew hes Thick and stupid and ugly. Because I hate myself.
But, when everything just turns out a disaster all at once (which it usually does, everything bad happens at once) I go into a dream-like state and drift through it, the misery so intense that my body cant physically react to it.
I have no hope right now. I feel like I will never get my daughter back. I feel like I will never change, and that Thea will never be able to be in my care, because God forbid I will take my anger out on her and she will end up fucked up like me, like how my Dad fucked me up because he was angry and controlling all throughout my childhood. And I just want her to be happy. I might never change, so I dont think she will ever be back in my care. Im close to cracking and the police will end up being called and that would be it, the court will not allow her back home. But the only reason I am more unstable is BECAUSE she is in care. Im done with everything.

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